When I think back to my childhood, one of the most vivid and puzzling memories I have of my mother is her insistence on sleeping with the bedroom window wide open, even in the heart of winter. Snow could be falling thick outside, frost painting the glass, and still that window stayed open as if the cold were an invited guest. As a kid, I found it both amusing and absurd. I would bundle myself into layers of blankets and tease her relentlessly, laughing that she must have had polar bear blood running through her veins. She never snapped back or defended herself. Instead, she would smile in that calm, knowing way of hers and say, “Fresh air keeps the soul alive.” At the time, it sounded poetic but meaningless, one of those phrases adults toss around that kids nod at without understanding. I couldn’t imagine how freezing air had anything to do with the soul, or why anyone would willingly choose discomfort when warmth was so easy to keep.
Back then, comfort was my definition of safety. Closed windows meant protection from the outside world, from the dark, the cold, and everything unknown. Warmth felt like control. My mother’s habit seemed to defy that logic, and I dismissed it as one of her harmless quirks, like the way she folded towels a certain way or hummed while cooking. I never questioned it further, and she never explained more than that single sentence. Looking back, I realize how often she communicated through actions rather than explanations, trusting that meaning didn’t always need to be spelled out. At the time, though, I saw only the surface. I didn’t know there was a story behind that open window, or that it was tied to something deeper than a preference for fresh air. I certainly never imagined it was connected to pain she carried quietly, or strength she never spoke about.
Everything changed after she passed away. Grief didn’t arrive all at once; it seeped in slowly, settling into my days and nights until everything felt heavier. Going through her belongings was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Her room still smelled faintly like her, and every object seemed charged with memory. Sorting through drawers felt invasive, as though I were crossing into a space that was still hers. In the nightstand beside her bed, I found her journals, neatly stacked and carefully kept. I hesitated before opening them, aware that once I did, I would be stepping into parts of her inner world she had never shared aloud. Curiosity and longing eventually won. I wanted to feel close to her again, even if it meant uncovering things I wasn’t prepared for.
As I read, her voice came alive on the page. The entries were honest, reflective, and sometimes painfully raw. One entry, written years before I was born, stopped me cold. She described a period in her life when everything felt suffocating. Responsibilities pressed in from all sides, and hope felt distant and fragile. She wrote about feeling trapped, as though the walls around her were closing in, making it hard to breathe even though there was air all around. One night, overwhelmed and desperate for relief, she opened the window despite the bitter cold outside. The rush of icy air shocked her senses, but instead of discomfort, she felt clarity. The cold reminded her that the world was still vast, that life extended beyond the small, painful space she felt trapped in. Opening the window became her way of choosing to breathe again, of reminding herself that pain wasn’t the whole story.
She wrote that the open window became a ritual during that difficult time. Whenever life felt unbearable, she would let the cold air in, grounding herself in the reality that discomfort didn’t mean defeat. The chill was real, but so was her ability to endure it. The air became a symbol of possibility, of space, of survival. As I read her words, tears blurred the ink. I finally understood that her habit wasn’t strange at all; it was deeply intentional. It was something she had done to save herself when she felt lost. And without ever explaining it, she carried that ritual into her life as a mother, quietly modeling resilience through something as simple as an open window.
That realization reshaped my memories. Suddenly, those winter nights from my childhood looked different. The cold air drifting through the house wasn’t just air; it was her strength moving silently through our lives. She had been teaching without teaching, showing without explaining. She never told me about her struggles, never framed herself as someone who had overcome hardship. Instead, she lived her lesson quietly, trusting that one day I might understand. That night, after closing her journal, I went to my own bedroom and opened my window wide. The cold rushed in immediately, sharp and honest, filling the room. Wrapped in blankets, I stood there and breathed deeply. In that moment, I felt her presence more clearly than I had since she passed. The loneliness eased, replaced by a sense of connection and continuity. For the first time, her words made sense. Fresh air wasn’t just about oxygen or temperature. It was about reminding yourself that life is bigger than pain, that there is always space to breathe, and that even in the coldest moments, you are still alive.
